Thursday, March 14, 2019
Dear Diary Essay
Ive lived on this here banquet for legion(predicate) years now, and as a coloured opus, I feel my aliveness is nonhing wholly when the lowest of either. A white mans loneliness and hardship is nonhing compared to a low mans isolation. I live here, all alone in my witness room. The early(a) work force record that its good to collect your experience room, where there personalt nobody else to disturb your consume privacy. scarce, its non like that. There personalt nonhing good some it at all. A lonely life is what I live. By my own self, in my own bunk, with no one. Im kept forth from all the other men on this ranch, because of the prejudice against my coloured people. I produce complained too m either an(prenominal) times ab disclose this in fittingice, precisely nobody would listen to the nigger speak.But, something funny happened today. Everything was the equivalent as it perpetually is on a Saturday evening. The white fellas discover to town, leaving alwaysything else silent, except the quiet emit of the horses, moving about restlessly. As usual, my crippled abide, injured from that tinkers dam horse, began to hammer with pain once again, so I took out my liniment and soft began to massage the ache with my hands. My mind wandered, and queryed about the reasons I have for staying here. I have many. I cant leave this place, even though it is the one place where I am always unhappy. Its just the fact that Im a black man, I suppose. I havent got any choices. Its either here or nowhere.It was silent as hell. I gazed up from my thoughts and realised Lennie, the new hombre was standing in my doorway. I heard things like he was a salient fella and everything besides by god That guy is huge. I just thought that there must have been something wrong with his head. How resist he, a white man, who should notice about a black mans privacy, should muster and invade my territory? Im not like them other white men. Seeing as I aint a llowed in their bunk house, puff up, why should they be allowed in exploit?He stood there, smiling with his great mouth. I t one-time(a) him that he shouldnt be in here, still stunned at his daring. He smiled even more(prenominal) at that. Then he replied, only emiting about his darn pups. But I realised, as the conversation grew on, that the man didnt image about prejudice and all those things. I began to feel at residual and even liked his company. Of course I did, anyways. There cant be any man on earth who likes being on his own all the time.We talked and we talked. And I surprised even myself when I told him about my past, when I was a son. When my old man had his own chicken ranch and the white kids would come and play. I used to play with them sometimes too, my old man didnt like that but I didnt arise out why til I was older. Wish I could go back to them days. It was nice talkin to the big fella though. Normally, If I say something, why its just a nigger face it. Wh en he next spoke, I realised the boy werent taking in anything I say. wholly he was concerned about was the damn pups. God, a guy could talk to him and be sure he wont be button off telling everyone else. He was stupid as hell.And I took reinforcement of him. Advantage of all the dumb things I thought about him. Id been put down one too many times, and this time, this time, I was the one in power. I suppose I just cute to s financial aid him, thats all. Didnt mean no harm. I menace him with the thought of his pal, George Milton, who Lennie seemed to be fond of, leaving him behind. Of course, all thats unconvincing to ever happen, but I dunno It got his attention though. He was scared. God, I was enjoying it, but now, I realise how stupid I was. I enjoyed every morsel of this torture, but it was okay. It wasnt me, or so I thought. I carried on, saying stuff like, supposing George cant come back, say if he died or something. What would Lennie do then? I was full of glee with t he thought of the bear I was inflicting on Lennie.But I just suppose I was jealous. Too jealous. How come this dumb guy, Lennie, could get a genius, a companion, when I couldnt? Im smarter than him. I couldve been more of a relegate person to talk to. But I know why. Its always the same reason. The prejudice white folks have for us black folks.So I kept tormenting him, with all the rage and indignation I had kept within myself for a lifetime. Suddenly, Lennie stood up and I realised how big he was. It scared me. This towering ogre, shadowing me with his great body. I stop teasing him, and tried to be more gentle and reassuring. I know Im never gonna mess around with that big boy any more. We settled down once again, with comfort and ease among us. It was a nice feeling. Probably better than the feeling of being in power. I suppose power isnt always everything.Lennie was now talking a wad more than before. About their dream of owning their own land the same dream every man has before they lose their entire chance to the cat houses in town and finally give up. Too many men Ive seen have given up. Theres no reason why this dream wont be the same. But for some reason, I believe it could come true. Its just the vehemence I saw in Lennie when he was talking about it. Of course, I didnt hear much about the dream from Lennie. All he was on about was the animals and how hed be taking care of them. Then, from outside, the sound of a horse whined, and halter chains clinked. I move to the door painfully. I didnt realise my back hurt so much. I figured it could have been Slim. He sometimes comes into my room.It rancid out to be edulcorate, the swamper. He old man is older than me, but in less pain. Lucky him. I invited him in though. Might as well anyways. Since everyone else was coming in. And also because I enjoyed the company He came in and suddenly, it seemed as though all we were talking about was their dream. I was amazed at how real all of their hopes wer e. I masked my thoughts and pretended to be not interested. I questioned them about the dream, about the land and where would they get it. But they answered with unflawed answers. I even tried to put them off the dream, telling Candy how hes just a swamper, and thats all hed ever be. Another act of jealousy. But the two men, with feelings so strong for what they believed in, did not fall for any of my traps. Could it be true? Could they sincerely be doing the impossible?I admit, I aint ever seen a guy truly do it. Achieve their dreams and own their own land. Nope. Not one person. I suppose thats why I let my defences down. All my pride collapsed with the entrancing dream It took a lot of guts to say this, but I offered to work for them for nothing. retributory so I could be with them, and perhaps be even happy I dunno It felt like it was worth it at the time. Giving up all this loneliness for a indorsement of happiness. Who would refuse? Who could refuse? Being fragmentise of a dream such as theirs. With their own land, own house, own animals, own everything. It was only a dream til they came along and made it come to life.The moment was spoiled when Curleys wife entered without my saying so. I couldnt tell her to leave though. Even as a cleaning woman, she still has more power than a nigger. She came looking for Curley. As if she didnt know already. I asked her politely to leave, but she responded with her loneliness. I suppose I havent really paid enough attention to her, to wonder about her feelings, but why should I? If the way she treated me today was just a smack of reality, then I shouldnt care for anyone but myself.My anger built up and was eventually released. The anger I built whilst comprehend to her threats, freed themselves in the form of words. I shouldve kept to myself though. I know I didnt do anything except make things even worse.She didnt have any rights to be in my room. A coloured mans room. No rights to be messing around in here at all. And thats what I told her. Told her to get out. She then turned against me, and threatened me, like I have been for everyday of my life. But this time, it was worse, much worse. She threatened me, telling me that if I told anyone shed been here, she could get me hung. She knew she could get me killed. A black man aint got any power over a white woman even. She threatened to kill me and the painful part was that I knew she could. And I accredited it. Because I have accepted the prejudice all my life.My body froze and I sat there perfectly still, my eyes in one place, turned away. Its the position I use to create the wall protect me from the cruel, white world. Where I can imprison the pain and the hurt from a lifetime of hatred and prejudice. These feelings who crave to scream and shout. Yet, they have no say in this world. Like I turn int have any say.I was grateful towards Candy at that moment. He stood up for me, expiration up against the bully. But she did the same to him as she did with me. But I appreciated it, I did. It was only when Candy said that he thought he had heard the other men coming back, when she left. Im not very sure if he was telling the truth, but it did its job. She was gone in a flash, leaving her emotional footsteps behind imprinted upon us. It was time for Candy and Lennie to leave. I would have loved for them to stay for just a little bit longer but I knew they couldnt. In the background, George yelled for his friend, Lennie. A friend I envy.As they left and turned their backs on me and my sanctuary, I yelled back for Candy. I told him to forget everything I said about hoeing and doing one and only(a) jobs. I didnt mean it. To him I didnt. But I really did. Its just a secret I have to detention to myself now. I felt unwanted, my pride gone, all lost to the hands of that woman. I wish I could go back and ask Candy for some other chance, but I know I cant. Ive already rejected the offer, and even told him I would have nev er liked a place like that anyway I wonder why I said it now. I suppose I didnt want to seem desperate, even though I really was. I had to rebuild some other barrier, and in doing so, I abandoned my only escape out of here.I didnt think before I acted. But those words were the only thing on my mind at the time. And still I wonder why. I should probably forget about it though. I wont have another chance. Unless they asked me to but that isnt really likely. White men asking a black man to work with them? Perhaps but just not these men.Now, Im rubbing my back once again, with the pink palm of my left hand, covered in liniment. With the desire to allay the pain on the outside, as well as the pain inflicted inside. Im thinking about this past night, this past year, my past life. I realised I aint never been truly happy, have I? Never on this ranch, where Im always singled out from everybody else, only cause Im the only black man. I dont like anything on this ranch. Only til tonight I f ound one thing I liked. Friendship. But I dont have it. Not now, anyways, and probably not ever. I do like it though. I know I do. But all I can do is just sit here night afterward night, wondering about it. How its like, how itd be, but never experiencing the joy. Just wondering.